January 22, 2010

Catching up

Since Flagstaff is blanketed with several feet of snow, I got home from work early tonight — really early. Instead of writing (the way I should be), I decided to catch up on Tuesday's episode of "Biggest Loser" so I could delete it from the DVR.
The struggle of Migdalia, from the green team, touched me ... perhaps a little more than I'd like to admit. When Jillian was yelling at her, trying to get her to admit why she wasn't happy, and she stormed off, I was reminded of my (brief) stint in therapy.

Convinced that I was still thinking like a fat girl (with low self-esteem), I went for a few months after I lost the 110 pounds doing Atkins. The one moment that stands out more than any other was the day I started sobbing while talking about being seen as the "jolly fat girl."

I've been that way as long as I can remember — the big girl with a great sense of humor. (Hell, I even write romantic comedy — still unpublished ... but that's another blog.)

It's not surprising. My entire family — both sides — handles most of life's adversities with humor. My mom, who was also overweight, was always quick with a joke. So are my cousins. I remember at my dad's funeral, the clan went out for pizza between viewings and had a grand time joking around.

But I'm losing my train of thought here. The point, which former BL contestant Tara Costa summed up so nicely in her People blog, is this:

I have come to realize that to truly make a lifestyle change, you need to understand the reasons why you heavy in the first place. If the mind-body connection is not made, it will not be a lasting impact. Once you make that connection, you can be vulnerable because you will feel all emotions, not just the happy ones.

I need to remember that — and take time to figure out my own mind-body connection. I have a feeling that's the only way I'm finally going to break out of the 180s.

As for my day, it was a mixed bag. Thanks to the shoveling, I got more activity than I do some days ... but I also haven't made the best food choices. The boss brought deli sandwiches in to feed those of us stuck at the office, and I pulled my usual trick of not counting Points for that and anything I ate after it.

Perhaps I need to figure out why I have such an aversion to tracking, too. Like I told Tina at Carrots-N-Cake, who's thinking about starting to count calories again, counting — calories, Points, carbs or what have you — is just a tool to help you stay mindful about what you're eating.

I honestly believe that. So why do I struggle so much with it?

2 comments:

  1. I know what you mean, I really struggle with it, too. It's like my inner teenager is throwing a temper tantrum: "I want what I want when I want it!", etc Part of me really resists it. But as of late I have started counting calories again and it has helped me more aware. I can't lie to myself when it's there in black and white. And some days, I write it all down, but it still doesn't help me eat any less, but I do it anyway, because I find, most days it does! Amazing pictures! Good luck with all that snow! Nice blog!

    ReplyDelete