Crappy day all around

I started my morning by finishing my state taxes. Turns out that I entered a wrong number in TurboTax, and instead of getting $4 back, I owe $91. I don't have $91 lying around. Both my checking accounts are below $5, and even though payday is Friday, I have to put aside at least $350 of my check for the oral surgeon I'm seeing on Monday (and another $100 for my car license plate).

So the morning started out badly. It only got worse when I decided to face the metal beast.

That's right: I finally got on the scale after avoiding it for a month. It wasn't pretty. I weighed in at 209.6.

Yep. I'm on the wrong side of One-derland again. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Wait. That's not true. I'm unhappy. I'm angry. And I know I have no one to blame but myself. (OK. I can also heap a little blame on the Boyfriend. I don't know if he thinks he's helping me exercise willpower by tempting me with foods I shouldn't have or what.)

But he's not around 24/7. I have to take 100 percent ownership of a lot of the bad choices I've been making. The raspberry-coconut Zingers from the gas station, cookies from the vending machine at work, Cheesecake Factory double chocolate cheesecake while I'm writing in the Barnes & Noble cafe and fast-food burgers and fries are all on me.

I've been avoiding my food journal. I've turned back into a couch potato. I haven't been planning my meals. I've been relying on the drive-thru instead of taking time to cook healthy, tasty meals for myself. I've been indulging in too many treats way too often.

All these bad habits have to stop. I know what to do — and even if I don't have the money to attend WW meetings right now, I have to buckle down and Just Do It. (Yep. So far the year of Just Do It has been a big bust. I'm turning that around. Now.)

(Finally) ready to face the music

Well, I hopped on the scale this morning for the first time in at least a month. As I suspected, what I saw wasn't pretty.

At my last WW meeting on Jan 3o, I was 190.4. Today, on the home scale (because I still can't afford my meeting while my paycheck is being garnished), I was 198. That's a gain of 7.6 pounds in a little less than a month.

Bad, yes — but not as bad as I feared it might be. At least I'm still in One-derland. Barely, but it counts.

It's time for me to get serious again. I can't keep doing what I've been doing lately and expect different results.

Yes, I've been eating crap. I know my choices have been a problem ... I can't have a burger and fries from Wendy's for lunch and then have tacos and more fries (from Del Taco) for dinner. I can't have a brunch of pancakes from IHOP and then eat a slice of Godiva double chocolate cheesecake as an afternoon snack.

I could blame the Boyfriend. He certainly "helps" me eat things I shouldn't. He doesn't seem to understand that, when I put a certain amount of food on my plate, that's a portion and that's all I plan to eat.

But it's not all his fault. He's not with me when I buy junk out of the vending machine at work, or when I drink a diet Dr Pepper instead of the H2O I know I should be drinking. He's also usually nowhere in sight when I opt NOT to take a walk because the weather's crappy or I'd rather be writing or ... I can't think of the other excuses I've been coming up with lately.

I need to start moving more again. Lately, the only exercise I've been getting has been walking from the couch to the fridge. Not good, I know.

I've been in what Roni calls a funk. I've been feeling beaten down and stressed out by my finances ... and I've been feeling like "what's the point? Nothing I do matters anyway." I've been eating to compensate.

Logically, I can see this. I'm just having a tough time stopping myself.

Today so far, I've done pretty well. I had one of those new Thomas' Bagel Thins w/ light cream cheese for breakfast and lunch was a California roll from my favorite sushi place, Hiro's.

I even got some exercise, in the form of shoveling more of this damn snow we keep getting. The crap from our last storm was finally starting to melt, so of course we had to be "treated" to some more. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate snow?

Seeing that near-200 on the scale just might be the jolt I need to rein myself in and get my eating back under control. I certainly hope so.

Still struggling

In case you hadn't guessed, my silence means I'm still eating crap and avoiding the scale.

And I'm not happy about it. Yet, I can't seem to stop myself.

I'm not quite sure what to do. Roni might call this a "funk" — but I seem to have simply given up. Now that I can't afford to go to WW meetings, I seem to have lost the will to follow the program.

Worse, I know that just one good day will give me the shove I need to go in the right direction. Even so, I find myself thinking about starting the day with a donut from Starbucks and then having a big ol' burrito for lunch.

Maybe I should just get on the scale. If I see the damage I'm doing — I could be back in the 200s, at the rate I've been eating — it could be the jolt I need to get back on the ball.

A new, better day

OK, it's a brand new day ... I have at least six chances to make good decisions. Healthy choices.

Breakfast, lunch, dinner, two snacks. Lots of water.

I can do this. I can! It's not that hard. Even though I'm still stressed out about my financial situation, I don't have to eat my feelings. I can take a walk, call a friend, read a book, write something.

One good decision down: A serving of Special K with skim milk for breakfast. 3 Points, leaving me with 20 for the rest of today.

Another decent day

That makes two in a row! I feel so much better than I did earlier this week that I'm doing a little happy dance right now.

I ate a little more today than yesterday ... and succumbed to the lure of a chocolate-covered pretzel rod (2 Points) at the Barnes & Noble Cafe this afternoon before work. It was on sale for 49 cents, so when I saw it only had 2 Points, I just couldn't say no.

Do you guys ever end up eating something you totally didn't plan on just because you're out and it looks good? I'd just had a container of Stonyfield Farms Chocolate Underground yogurt, so I certainly didn't need a chocolate-covered pretzel.

Overall, including the bowl of Special K and skim milk I ate after I got home from work, I consumed 28 Points today.

That's not bad. Granted, I'm allowed 23 ... but if you factor in the 5 FPs I can add to each day (provided I have them, which technically I don't, unless I start my week yesterday), I'm right on track. Maybe I should start my week Friday, then! :D

I was a little hungrier today than yesterday. Maybe that's because it was a carb-heavy day, with sushi and yogurt for lunch, soup and an apple with peanut butter for snacks and a veggie corn dog and mac & cheese for dinner, then the cereal snack.

Must work on getting more protein. Some days I wonder if I shouldn't just start doing Atkins again. Then I remember that, even though I once honestly thought I'd be able to do the low-carb thing for the rest of my life, things changed when I met the carb-loving Boyfriend.

Still no exercise, though. I only logged 2,138 steps on the pedometer. Pathetic. :S (But considering I slept til 11 a.m., then sat on my butt at B&N and then work, I guess 2,000 steps isn't so bad.)

In the "adventures in life" category, I've decided I'm going to try something new with money.

In keeping with the WW theory that tracking helps you take control, I'm going to start keeping track of what I spend, and what I spend it on (bills, entertainment, food, whatnot).

I haven't quite worked out the system yet, but I did buy a little notebook to start tracking in (4 of them for $1.08 at the Dollar Store). It'll be something with a key code (E=Entertainment, F=Food, U=Utilities, A=Auto, R=Restaurants ... etc.) so I can see exactly where my money goes.

I expect I'll be shocked and sickened at how much I waste. Guess I'll find out soon enough, eh?

Now, it's time to take some NyQuil gelcaps and knock myself out until tomorrow. As long as I wake up in time to go to work at 4, all will be well.

Must regain control

I started out today with the idea that today was the day I was going to take control of my diet again.

Boy, was that a mistake … or rather a series of them.

First, I woke up before 10 a.m. and didn’t actually get out of bed until 12:30 because I was busy writing. The good news? I added a very nice set of scenes to my novel. The bad news? I didn’t eat breakfast, so …

When I left the house for lunch, I was starving. I went out for half a sandwich and some soup — chicken & white bean chili — and ended up getting an oatmeal scotchie, too. Those are quite possibly my favorite cookies (with the exception of Thin Mints).

Then I headed to work, where the newsroom (that’s us) was hosting a Hawaiian luau in the conference room. Not only did I have 3 slices of ham & pineapple pizza then … but I ate two more later on, because the leftovers were hanging around the newsroom.

I skipped dinner, having eaten the two additional slices at about 6 p.m. … but then at about 9 p.m., I started munching on some trail mix. And when I got home from work at 1 a.m., I ate a pulled pork sandwich. (At least it was a HG recipe, so it was only 4 Points!)

Aargh!

I need to stop that, pronto! Hopefully, signing the paperwork with the attorney next Tuesday will help.

But I don’t want to wait until Tuesday to regain control. In the morning, after I dedicate some time to sending out two query letters to potential agents, I’m going to get in some kind of workout. I’ve been letting those slide, what with all last week’s snow shoveling (which doesn’t really count) and the chaos that has become my financial situation.