How bad do I want it?

Unfortunately, I'd say the answer to that question — at least lately — is "not bad enough."

Yep. After spending another weekend with the Boyfriend, making some pretty awful choices, I've come to a realization: I haven't been working very hard to lose my last several pounds. And now, after a 4+ pound gain at the scale today, I have nearly 20 pounds to lose again. Bleah.

I know what to do. I know that sometimes I need to make the hard choices ... the not-so-fun choices ... Yet time and time again, I find myself choosing the fun, not-so-healthy things instead.

Why is that? I think I've just gotten lazy. I've been taking the easy way out (read: Drive Thru) instead of preparing myself a delicious, healthy meal. I've been giving in and eating whatever's on offer at work and at the Boyfriend's. At restaurants, I've been ordering what I want (and what looks good) instead of the healthier things I know I should get.

And I haven't been tracking the way I need to. I'll half-heartedly track part of the day, and then stop.

These are things that don't work for me — or for anyone. So why am I continually surprised that I'm stuck in the 180s? I haven't been putting in the work, yet I'm expecting good results. It doesn't work like that!

The Boyfriend and I actually had a talk yesterday ... he said he was going to stop encouraging me to eat crap. I'll believe that when I see it. Sometimes I wonder if he does it on purpose, if he doesn't want me to get to my goal weight. Then I figure that he just thinks exercise will do it all. He often tells me "Just exercise more and you can eat what you want." Again, it doesn't work like that! (At least not completely. But try telling him that.)

With that being said, today was a pretty good day. I had a fairly healthy breakfast of oatmeal with raisins, nuts and brown sugar, followed by a peppermint mocha latte (made with less syrup and skim milk). Lunch was a California roll from my favorite sushi place and my afternoon snacks were grape tomatoes, two clementines and a 100-calorie pack of roasted almonds. For dinner, since I only had 3 Points left, I ate a 0-Point salad, grilled zucchini and 2 oz. turkey on a Sandwich Thin.

When all was said and done, including a few of the cookies I made last week (one oatmeal lace after lunch and two of the double chocolate ones after dinner) and some sugar-free hot cocoa at work after dinner, I ate 26 Points. No exercise, though.

I read some advice in today's meeting materials (or maybe it was last week's ... we got both today since last Monday's meeting was canceled by weather). Someone said they commit to tracking for just one day, and that makes it seem less overwhelming.

I'm going to try that theory out, because when I make grand statements that I'm going to track every bite, every day from here on out, I feel like crap when I don't (usually on Day 1 or 2!).

So here's my pledge for tomorrow: I will track all day long and do some kind of activity, whether it's the exercise bike indoors or walking outside.

There's something about baking

There's something therapeutic about creating something sweet from scratch. Home-baked treats don't just taste better than store-bought; they also transport me somewhere else — back to my childhood, when I helped Mom in the kitchen with all our holiday cookies.

So it's not surprising that today, when I was snowed in and unable to get out of town to visit the Boyfriend, I headed to the kitchen.

I baked up a storm — three batches in all. I'd have probably gone ahead with a fourth — my Mom's butter cookies — had we not been out of flour. So it's probably a good thing I didn't have flour. Three batches of cookies was more than enough.

All three recipes are from the Weight Watchers Web site. They can be found here.

First, I baked some Oatmeal Pecan Lace Cookies. But I used walnuts instead of pecans because I had a limited amount for groceries, and the walnuts were cheaper. The recipe uses no flour but still has 2 Points per serving. (I misread the instructions, and made 18 giant cookies ... but the recipe says 2 cookies make a serving, which means I should have made 36. Live and learn, I guess.)

Next, I took a break for lunch and shoveling (whoopee!). Then I whipped up the Chocolate Chocolate Chip Cookies. They didn't look anything like the ones in the photo at WW.com, but they still taste delicious! Better yet, they're just 1 Points apiece.

Finally, I made a batch of Spiced Peanut Butter Cookies, featuring pureed garbanzo beans. I think they're my favorite of the bunch. Yum! And just 2 Points per cookie ...

I managed to not eat too many while baking them and putting them away. I even froze half of the chocolate and PB ones for later. Still, I'm going to drop by my office with a plate full. And once I get paid, I'll probably still make a batch of Mom's butter cookies. It's just not Christmas without them.

No weigh-in Monday

Because of the storm that blew through Flagstaff, the substitute WW leader couldn't make it for the Monday meetings ... so no WW meeting for me.

I did weigh in at home. 184. 2 — about a pound more than last Monday on the home scale. I'm not surprised. I had more bad days than good again.

Today, I'm celebrating a huge NSV: I finished my 90,000-word manuscript this morning (at about 5 a.m., after a marathon writing session, fueled by an early night at work and a loss of the satellite TV). You can read all about that at my other blog.

How shall I celebrate? Well, being snowed in, I'm baking a few batches of WW-friendly cookies. I picked up brown sugar and nuts Sunday night, knowing I wasn't going to be driving anywhere Monday or Tuesday with a full-on blizzard coming to town.

I may try to take a trudge through the snow, too ... but I wouldn't count on that. I will, however, keep a handle on my cookie consumption. I want to see the scale move in the right direction next week.

Feeling much better now

I had a pretty good day overall. I got in a nice walk and only ate 27 Points total.

Subtract the 2 APs I earned on my walk and I only used 2 FPs. (I'm going to discount the fact that I doubt I have any left for the week after that rough patch.)

Have I mentioned that I love Hungry Girl? I baked up some of her Butternut Squash Bake after lunch, and had some as a snack, and then another serving with dinner. Delicious! Except I'm beginning to think it's not just Burger King onion rings that don't agree with me. The onions in the squash bake seemed to give me gas, too. :P

Here's the Tweet, Eat, Post version of my day. I'll try to add some pictures later, when I get them off the camera.

Food	Units
zucchini, grilled w/ 1 tsp olive oil	1
sandwich thin w/ 2 oz ham, wedge lc light, ff mayo, honey mustard	4
2 clementines	1
pumpkin fluff	1
ww 2-point double chocolate bar	2
hg cheesy butternut squash bake	2
ff tuna salad w/ crackers	3
bbq chicken sandwich	4
butternut squash bake	2
jell-o sf chocolate mousse	1
1/2 oz. peanuts	2
ww brownie	2
100-cal pk cocoa-roasted almonds - love em!	2
Total:	27

Table provided by Roni's Food Tweet, Eat, Post Generator.

Anyway, since it worked for me last night, I'm going to try it again: I won't be having snack when I get home from work, and I will be getting up early(ish) to take a walk before I head to the NaNoWriMo "Thank goodness it's over" party at Barnes & Noble at noon. (And, just for good measure, I WON'T be eating cheesecake like I did last Sunday at BN.)

Followed through

I just finished doing what I said I was going to do: No snack after work, and a walk first thing when I woke up. (It was late morning, since I didn't get up until 10:30 ... but it was still first thing!)

I guess you could say it's a step in the right direction.

When I got back from my walk (a little more than 2 miles in 32 minutes), I fixed a healthy — and delicious — lunch. I sliced a zucchini, tossed it with olive oil, garlic and sea salt, and then grilled it on George. I also made a ham sandwich: A Sandwich Thin with 2 oz. ham, a Laughing Cow light cheese wedge and a little Miracle Whip Free and honey mustard. It, too, got the George treatment. Yum! And I peeled and ate two clementines. Double yum! I love those things ... and it's even better when you buy a bag for less than $3.

Next up? I think I'm going to make some of Hungry Girl's Cheesy Butternut Squash Bake to have as an afternoon snack and with dinner.

It's amazing how easy it is to start feeling good again! Now, all I need to do is keep up the good work.

Something's wrong

I know what I should be doing — so why is it so darn hard to get it done?

Yes, after a good Tuesday, I've spent most of the rest of the week heading off the rails. Bad food choices, little exercise ... the whole enchilada.

So I'm asking myself, "What is wrong with you?"

I know I need to eat less and exercise more. I know I should choose the salad instead of the burger. I know I should be snacking out of the vending machine at work or hitting the drive-thru for late-night snacks.

So what is my problem? Is it a fear of success? Failure? Just a simple matter of being tired of being "good"? Slipping back into bad habits I thought I'd banished?

I don't know. But it stops here. I'm going to get back to work cultivating that "no excuses" attitude. Starting right now.

No after-work snack for me tonight (but I will say yes to some water. I'm dying of thirst right now.) ... and the first thing I'll do in the morning is put on my walking shoes and hit the pavement. Yes, before I even check the computer.

It really is a simple matter of making choices. It's just that lately, I've been making bad ones. That stops here. I have to do this, for myself and for my family and friends. I know they're all pulling for me.

And I want to do it for my wallet. I can think of a ton of other things to spend $12 a week on, that's for sure! :D

So far, so good

With breakfast and lunch behind me, I've consumed 16 Points.

Hmm. Saying that out loud makes me realize that's actually not so great when I have just 23 Points to eat. Perhaps I need to retitle this post "So far, not so good" ...

Breakfast was HG's Egg Mug Classic on half a sandwich thin. Pretty tasty, though I still think I prefer the Egg Mug Lorraine, with bacon bits, onion and dijon mustard in the mix. After some computer time, during which I accomplished nothing but surfing the Net, I headed outside for a walk.

I ended up walking myself over to the house of a neighbor who happens to be a writer, and we decided to have lunch at Picazzo's, our favorite gourmet pizza place. I had my usual, the caesar salad/slice of pizza combo, which today happened to be a shrimp scampi pizza. Delicious! The only trouble is, it had alfredo sauce ... so I'm counting lunch as 12 Points instead of the usual 11. Hope it's not actually more than that!

Now, I'm off to the Boyfriend's for some quality time with my computer until he gets home from work. I'll work much better being at the Starbucks in Camp Verde, away from the temptations of the Internet.

My heroine is about to impulsively cut off the long, blonde hair she's been hiding behind for years. And then she's going to wish she had it back.